you live in my heart,my childhood,my memory, in me.

Ever since pa left , I realized how tiring his life was.
work 12hours a day
$480 allowance for us each month

my dad was a helpful man
he's not afraid of hassle as long as it's within his ability he will help whoever that needs him
he's poor , not because he don't earn it's because he don't manage his finance

my dad is obstinate
he doesn't listen to us till all the things went wrong
but he doted on us , especially me.

why can i do sports fairly well?
because dad trained me since young
i can cycle at 5,
swim at 7,
hike and play taiji at 8
fish at 10,
because dad taught me how.

we neglected him.
he neglected us, in one way or another.
when someone leaves you,
suddenly all the memories sink in
the way he talks
repeat and repeat
what he said which we thought was ridiculous
his eyes
his hair
his feet
his palms

Pa's room is left untouched
except the clothing which he should have received by now
he should come back tonight , or tomorrow.
i wanted to sprinkle flour on the floor in his room
but mom said I'll be disappointed if there's nothing.
maybe dad went to heaven already
or maybe dad forgot his keys again

my memory of pa in my childhood is strong,vivid,unforgettable.
i was so close to him,
i used to.
i used to think pa is a hero that will save me whenever i am in danger or when there's fear
when i was a kid, i was afraid of spirits and ghosts.
i'll cover pa's blanket over me and i'll tell myself ,
with pa's blanket, no one can harm me.
it's that sense of security he gave.

i used to pout when people say i look really like my dad
cos' obviously ma got stronger features.
but now, when aunt said " now, if we miss dad , we will look at you."
i actually felt good and proud.
i resemble someone kindhearted,
someone who gave me life,
someone who inherited me my height which i am proud of,
someone who taught me things i don't learn in school,
someone who made my childhood fun and so memorable,
someone who earn money by working 12hours a day to give me food
someone who massages my leg when i complained about standing too long at work
someone whom i called papa.

下辈子 做个好命人。